This year I attended Burning Man for my first time.  It was an event that I shall never forget and more than that, it was a life experience.

 

Burning Man is an annual event that takes place in the Nevada desert or Playa.  It is a temporary city of free spirited people gathering together to celebrate a creative and non-judgmental society.  There is a pulse there; with almost no car traffic during the day.  It is the sound of people, some 50,000.  At night the pulse is of music, which goes from dusk to dawn, deep and rhythmic, it forms a backdrop of sound and movement.   Bicycles are the mode of transportation (the place is dead flat) and at night you had better wear some sort of lighting or you can get run over. My time there was spent learning, observing and becoming part of this unique place with the people that make it so.

 

One of my own personal highlights was mediating for Mr. Ron Kelly's mediation service.   Ron had shown me a mediation tool he had developed for half-hour mediations.   It involved using a timer with a bell and 4 questions that were right to the point.   I was happy to give it a try.

 

And so there I was at "The leopard Martini Lounge,” next to "Hee Bee Jeebies" at 7:30 & DNA.

 

The setting was one facing an open plaza, dry, somewhat dusty and full of life.  There were people milling about, many colorful in unique dress or others just in the dress of the desert, comings and goings, almost a bazaar-like in atmosphere.  A tent was set up, perhaps 10'x10' and 3 chairs, creating shade and some solitude to talk in.  A radio spot (Black Rock City has its own station) the day before had sent the word out, and I was pleased to offer my services as a gift to whomever wanted to talk.  The flap would open at 3:00 and close at 6:00, and from the time it did open there was a constant stream of people.  

 

I did 3 or perhaps 4 mediation cases, talked to 4 different people about mediation, 2 who wanted to know if it would help in their situations and 2 others who just wanted to share in the moment.

 

My first case involved a couple who had met at this event in 2005 and had been together ever since.   The couple was there because their relationship was failing.  I started with the woman as she was softly crying and needed to release her hurt and sadness. I was using the timer with the agreement beforehand that 5 minutes would be used for each side.

 

She started by talking about her work.  She traveled a great deal she explained, often being 3 or 4 days away from home at a time.  She would return, spend a few days there and then go back out.   Home for her was a place of sanctuary to rest, recover and get ready to go out once again.  Then softly crying again, without pride, she explained her heart.   She didn't want the relationship to end.  The love she felt for him was genuine and real. And she was committed to working things through with him, and she believed in their relationship.

 

At one point she said, "When I am out there, I am still in our relationship.”  I repeated this after she said it, both because it came from the depth of her being and she needed to be recognized.  Toward the end of her time she spoke of wanting children.  I saw him stiffen.

 

I then signaled for her partner to speak; he answered and spoke for perhaps 2 minutes. I motioned for more and got a little deeper, another minute of talk… saying nothing.  I motioned for more and in a breaking voice he told his truth.  He was very frustrated and unhappy, and he didn't know what to do about it.  His work demanded a social calendar that was very involved with many events that he had to attend.  His needs centered on having a companion to go to these events with, networking and helping him work the room.  Plus he was lonely when she was away, his friends would ask him out and he would decline.  I suspected there was more as his sentences started to trail off uncompleted.

 

The conversation that followed was both real and revealing, both sides open and very poignant.   They were facing the challenge of living very different kinds lives and trying to blend them.

 

The first question on Ron's list was about the level of commitment to work on the problem.  Here we met the stumbling block.  He wasn't sure he could commit to doing much work.  At this point I spoke to both as a way to reestablish the mediation process and to strengthen their presence positively by telling them both that they were doing well.

 

We then explored what he had meant and established specific problems that existed for him and ways that common ground could be found.  She had been taking part in talking about it and the process of communicating was being formed.  They left agreeing to continue the conversation, to be kind to one another and to being honest with one another about their needs.  One thing that I did note was the importance of their starting their relationship at Burning Man and the magic that this place can bring.  

 

My next case involved a mother and daughter.   They had come in with a friend, and when she saw only 3 chairs she excused herself. Their conflict was centered around the mother trying to warn the daughter about using the "femme fatale" strategy in life.   I had started with the mother, as she wanted to start and explain herself to her daughter.  At midpoint of her speaking the depth of concern showed through in the timbre of her voice as she looked at the floor.  Her story of what her life had been was real and honest.  She explained the reasons for her concerns.  

 

The daughter answered with her truth.  She explained that she liked being "girly" and it was a part of her personality and that if people wanted to do things for you … why not?  Again I motioned for more and again it all came out.  She was different than her mother, had her own mind, and the choice of her own direction.

 

At this point I turned the conversation toward rights, responsibilities and respect.   Both sides agreed that each was an individual and could express herself and that each would respect the other.  Perhaps because of the release of their feelings beforehand, they had both quieted and were thinking about what had been said.  I waited a few minutes in quiet and then I acknowledged them for their work and for their love. They both nodded yes and each one spoke of their mutual love.  I just remained quiet.   They left with the agreement that each had the right to speak their truth and that both loved one another and would continue to talk.  They both hugged me.

 

At the end of each of these cases or talks I would sit for a few moments and then go outside and interact with people in the Plaza. People were friendly there, an international community operating under a different mode of conduct.  The acceptance of the collaborative model by Thursday had become the norm.  I found it interesting that only two things can be sold at Black Rock City; ice and coffee, everything else is gifted.  I was to find this out myself on my second night there when at 3 AM I was given a delicious shrimp curry out on the Playa.

 

My third case involved a young couple and it was heartwarming.  The man explained that he was never in conflict.  I just smiled.  He went into how he dealt with conflict and then how it carried over to problems and then how it led to more problems.  I didn't say a thing, but as he looked at me he began to see how he must sound to me.  He followed his own thoughts until he could see that it didn't really work very well.  Then after a few moments of silence he told us of his fear and why he did this.

 

His partner spoke next, leaning forward to establish eye contact.  She earnestly told him of the love she felt and held him in.   She spoke of the life they shared together, and how the problems would be better handled if they worked on them together.  That she would stand with and help him with the problems as they came.

 

She spoke to his fears with honesty, care and love. As I said it was one of those moments when breakthrough happens and we as mediators get to share in the moment of human connection, in the feeling of love.

 

With these things in place we moved into a discussion of different kinds of conflicts that we all as humans encounter in life, that some conflict was just natural and only meant there was a need for change.  We also discussed how we could deal with problems and that ignoring them does not make them go away.

 

Their agreement centered on "honesty to create intimacy,” that conflict was part of the human condition and that each with the other would combine with trust.  Good stuff, hugs and tears, real life moments.  I hugged them.

 

After they had left and a woman came in, flopped down in a chair and started to speak.  She didn't know if I could help her but … she needed to talk.  I smiled and said sure.  She seemed exhausted and after we had introduced ourselves she started to tell her story.  She had gotten only 2 hours of sleep the night before and over the past few days had gotten very little sleep.  She was a member of 2 different camps and was having trouble balancing her commitments to each of them.

 

An important note here would be about camps.  They tend to become your home on the Playa.  It is a hostile environment, dry, sometimes with dust storms with 75 mile an hour winds.  People tend to gather together and bond in mutual need, help and friendship.  I myself had been adopted into the "Time Cycle" camp (8:30 & "K" for Kinship) and had made very dear friends.  I could understand what she was talking about.

 

One camp she was in was about spiritual release through meditation, chanting and the healing powers of self-spirit recognition.  It sounded to me very grounded, pure and somewhat austere.   The second camp was a lesbian camp where she was an instructor giving demonstrations of S&M techniques.

 

I was giving her lots of time to speak and allowing her to unpack her story at her own pace.  She could see that I was understanding her and it allowed her to talk more openly.  She was finding the common ground within herself that allowed for her own understanding of herself.  

 

We first established that there are only 24 hours in a day and that a person needed more than 2 hours of sleep to practice spiritual connection with anybody.  That this was admittedly Burning Man, happening only once a year but to fully enjoy oneself, one had to take care of oneself.  This started a positive agreement process and soon other topics were addressed and decisions made.

 

Using the tools of reflective conversation, evaluating techniques with questions, and listening when a person needs to talk so they hear their own words are all quite common tools that I use when I mediate.  Here they were equally effective.

 

Her agreement with herself recognized all of this and also that both of her adventures centered on the release of spirit, that she should be honest with her camp mates and explain what was going on in her life.  At the end after she left I wondered if I'd mediated or not.   And so my shift ended, a unique experience made all the more real because of the event and the importance it has in people's lives.  I returned to my camp, which had become my home and helped cook dinner with my friends.   As I thought about what had taken place, it was once again affirmed in my mind that in the matter and consequence of conflict the emotional component must be addressed.  When it is, then people have the opportunity to move forward with their lives. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Note: To anyone that I spoke with at this event, I want to thank you.   At no time did I feel disingenuousness on anyone's part and what is written of here is done so with respect.  To the people in the tent, I hope I helped.   Our time together, I hold in my heart and I want to thank you for your courage to speak forth your truth.

 

When people can talk with honesty, the truth can be heard by many.

 

This article is dedicated to the dear friends I made at the "Time Cycle's" camp.

​

WM